NL teams as The Office characters: MLB midseason report, Part 2

From the deepest part of the Scranton Business Park, time to review which NL teams are admirable and which are impish. Click "View entire message" to see where it ends.

The common thread between baseball and good comedy is that the only way to get after it is to be smudge and arrogant.

An editor from 1993: I think he means smug.

And there’s our smudgeness.

Time for Part 2 of the MLB season review employing characters from The Office to describe the arc of each National League team. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least it comes from caring enough about baseball and timeless comedy enough to fight and rewrite for overreaching similes.

Gotta keep the troops entertained. Again, if you have only seen a little of The Office, the first paragraph in each capsule should give the gist of it. The American League teams were covered earlier today.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Danny Cordray, Seasons 7-8

The traveling salesman whom Timothy Olyphant portrayed is glimpsed only on occasion, but created instantaneous gooey-eyed infatuation.

The Diamondbacks are fighting it out with the Los Angeles Dodgers for the NL West lead. Centrefielder Corbin Carroll has sparked some fanciful speculation about a Rookie of the Year-MVP double. The Arizonans’ 1-2 punch on the bump of Zac Gallen and Merrill Kelly is akin to having a nice set of shoulders, to borrow some Meredith thirstiness.

The Diamondbacks lack mass-market appeal but are the darling of critics. That is a bit like the oeuvre of Tim Olyphant himself. There is not much Deadwood on the roster, and the rest of the season will show whether the attention is Justified. Also, they ghost the Dodgers because they find them “a bit dorky.”

Atlanta Ballclub, The: Andy Bernard, Seasons 8-9

They are jonesing for a World Series showdown against ‘Big Tuna’ — Jim / Tampa Bay Rays. But a team built by general manager Alex Anthopoulos will not be intimidated — A.A., after all, got his start in baseball working in the mailroom of the Montréal Expos. Ya ever heard of them?

Atlanta has hit the break with the Best Record in Baseball whilst ranking first in earned-run average, home runs, and slugging percentage. They are every bit the triple threat that Andy thinks he is as an actor, banjo player, and singer. Ronald Acuña Jr. is a menace in a good way hitting home runs and stealing bases out of the leadoff spot, and the Nard Dog often made his mark during episodes’ cold opens.

But one is left a bit cold by the success of Andy-Atlanta.¹ Like Phyllis said about his acting aspirations, “There is something there that you don’t wanna look at.” Oh right, it is that racist team nickname and fans doing the damn Chop.

In Season 8 we learn that Andy’s parents changed his name when he was a boy — and that it worked out for everybody. Take note, The Atlanta Ballclub.

Chicago Cubs: Karen Filipelli, Season 4

They say every ballplayer should get to play a season at Wrigley Field, the world’s largest singles bar. The Cubs’ vibe has gone right back to mailing it in on the field since that 2016 title, so playing for this team is akin to Karen (Rashida Jones) ending up as the regional manager at Dunder Mifflin Utica. 

As Karen put it, “It’s an easy job when your boss isn’t an idiot, and your boyfriend isn’t in love with someone else.” Cases in point: Marcus Stroman and Dansby Swanson are getting on well individually in Cubbie Blue after leaving pressure-cooker baseball towns in the East divisions, where the media and the public actually expect the team to win more than once a century. Sometimes a ballplayer just needs a change of uniform to clear the mechanism.

Or, not. Last winter, catcher Willson Contreras left the Cubs to sign with the rival Cardinals. The Cubs can take a moral win from seeing last-place St. Louis look as chastened as Jim crawling out of a PT Cruiser in a women’s warehouse uniform after Karen busted him in “Branch Wars.”

Cincinnati Reds: Erin Hannon, Season 5

The ingenue who showed up halfway through a season and recharged everyone with youthful enthusiasm and devil-may-care persona. They have been a joy to watch.

Cincy got hot after rookie extraordinaire Elly De La Cruz débuted on June 6. They were six games under .500 when De La Cruz brought switch-hitting power, pizzazz, and some Latinx Rickey Style.

Now the Reds are fighting for first after getting buy-in from a band of bought-low ballplayers. Most of the leading contributors to their by-committee offense are getting paid something in the $700,000s, and they have the third-youngest pitching staff. A Blue Jays fan could be envious of what Cincinnati has going on, but then they will remember many of the Reds’ players could not afford to rent a condo in Toronto.

Erin’s loopiness is laid over some dark subtext about her harsh early life as a foster child. It’s not all smiles and sunshine with the Cincinnati surge. I hope you kept receipts from last year when Reds president and COO Phil Castellini² trolled the fanbase with his “Where you gonna go?” rant.

As Erin’s character arc continued, it became apparent that she had to be tough as nails to manage her abandonment and trust issues. Well, if these Reds need a father figure, then that’s why they still have Joey Votto. Will they be spraying champagne sometime in late September?

Colorado Rockies: Nate Nickerson, Seasons 7-9

The Rockies do not technically have a baseball problem, but sometimes when multiple facets of baseballing are required, it becomes one big jumble.

Nate is a memorable bit player. Fans wish they saw more of him. Counterpoint: with Nate, with watching the Rockies, and with psilocybin, the best play is micro-dosing and climbing into the Mirthmobile (metaphorically). It just means embracing a Sickos sensitivity where you can get off on seeing the worst team in the NL somehow have two top-10 fielders — third baseman Ryan McMahon and shortstop Ezequiel Tovar. 

Also, gum’s gotten mintier lately. Have you noticed?

Los Angeles Dodgers: Jim Halpert and Pam Halpert, Season 9

They are wondering whether they are taking their life for granted, and the loyal fans who were invested in their journey are worried. 

There are fears of a bitter end, and if that happens, what is there to show for it? That one COVID-bubble World Series title in 2020 will look like their “ironic wedding,” as Angela described it. “Really, Pam, in Niagara Falls? Pregnant?”

The L.A. PBJs are not growing complacent, though. They are averaging 5½ runs per night with the oldest batting group in MLB. Jim is trying to launch a sports marketing firm. Pam is breaking out as a local artist painting murals. Clayton Kershaw was painting corners as he did in 2013, to the count of a 1.09 earned-run average since June… before going on the injured list with shoulder inflammation.

That segues to the concern-trolling industrial complex wondering if longtime stars are overextended. Mookie Betts is now a shortstop? Jenna Fischer’s Pam is breaking out comical accents? Well, they’ve been playing the part long enough to earn the benefit of the doubt. But even the Dodgers might be wondering out loud whether the magic is still there, just like Pam after she and Jim attended her ex-fiancé Roy’s wedding.

Sidenote: why can’t you have hot dogs at an outdoor wedding reception? There are already enough carcinogens in the air as it is.

Miami Marlins: Meredith Palmer, Seasons 3-8

Internal note: Sags, did you assign Michael Scott to the Yankees to tee up a cheap line that the tenure of Derek Jeter as Marlins president was like Michael hitting Meredith with his car?

I just did — BOOM, SELF-ROASTED. But there is a little more. The Marlins’ poor attendance and Meredith having a desk along the far wall create the same thing: DAY DRINKING WITHOUT DETECTION! Well, other than by the documentary crew.

Meredith worked since actor Kate Flannery was fearless about performing cringe comedy and stuntwork. She ran with that niche, which is kind of like how the Marlins’ Luis Arraez is bringing spray-hitting back to the count of leading MLB with a .434 OBP. While such wordplay seems to be hanging there, the complex code Meredith lives by proscribes making a double entendre about ball-slapping: “Like my mom always says: talk classy, act nasty.”

The Marlins are also a pretty good team, even if their work goes largely unnoticed. In nine seasons, Dunder Mifflin often faced existential crises, but none of them were caused by Meredith’s work in supplier relations.

It is the view of this space that MLB should contract the Marlins. It won’t happen, but you can imagine MICHAEL SCOTT’S MIAMI MARLINS MEMORIAL CELEBRITY RABIES AWARENESS PRO-AM  FUN RACE FOR THE CURE shirts in the franchise’s original teal.  

Milwaukee Brewers: Todd Packer, Seasons 1-9

Too easy — like your mom, Halpert! They might seem fun initially but they quickly wear out their welcome.

Packer needed to be chauffeured after losing his driver’s licence due to impaired driving. The Brewers, who inspired the line that Milwaukee is a drinking town with a baseball problem, are whining for stadium upgrades. Yep; they’re toxic.

Never forget that former commissioner and one-time Brewers founder Bud Selig waved in the mendacious ownerships in Montréal and Oakland. That gives him earning a 2-2 tie with Packer in the ratio of trashed franchises to totaled sports cars, even though there is no tying in baseball. Well, at least in North American baseball.

At least Packer still has his William Hung license plate. Who is that, anyway? 

New York Mets: Jo Bennett, Seasons 6-7

A celebrity CEO bought the business and came in with a lot of big talk and bravado. Then things just randomly started exploding.

Jo, the CEO played by Academy Award earner Kathy Bates, demonstrated how a legacy can be lost in a fragmented, rubbernecking attention economy. The chairman of the Mets, “hedge fund king” Steve Cohen, might be on that same track, although who is gonna tell him? He could have stayed confined to the radar of Wall Street watchers. But nooooooo, he chose to buy an MLB team that Jo would describe as the “land of a million problems only you can solve.”

Such hubris activated the baseball Fates’ Ironic Punishments Division. The Mets collapsed at the end of the 2022 season. This time, they have the highest payroll and they are under .500. Andy-Atlanta (AndyLanta?) exposed them as a safety hazard during a sweep in early June when the Mets reverse-surmounted four-run leads in all three games. They trended up just before the break, but at times they have channeled The Worst Team Money Can Buy entropy from the early ’90s. Another reboot that no one asked for… great.

And like all reboots, this one is over budget. The finance industry has the Top 40 Under 40 rankings. Mets pitchers Justin Verlander and Max Scherzer are on course to make “over 40, and making over 40 million” club.³

Philadelphia Phillies: Nellie Bertram, Seasons 8-9

Often erratic, yet never in doubt of themselves describes both the Phillies and Catherine Tate’s character to a tee. Both have a knack for bullshitting their way into getting what they want regardless of merit. The Phillies somehow made the 2022 World Series with a pitching staff that was about four arms deep, swiping the pennant that Atlanta believed it had earned. Nellie turned up in Scranton one day and bogarted Andy’s manager position.

Fans still argue over whether Nellie was a good addition. That is nothing compared to the conundrum of Phillies slugging outfielder Kyle Schwarber. He is tied for fifth in the NL in home runs but has the worst WAR on the team because he runs after fly balls about as well as Nellie can drive a car, and gets on base at a less-than-league-average rate. The Phillies, naturally, have him batting leadoff.

It all comes back to confidence. That is also how Nellie came to briefly race a Formula One car — “the three slowest laps ever recorded.”

Pittsburgh Pirates: Gabe Lewis, Seasons 6-8

Oh, get out skeleton man!

Both the Pirates and Gabe think liking swords and Japanese culture substitutes for having a personality. They have a lot of history with Erin-Reds, who does not think of them at all anymore. They enjoy hosting guests, as illustrated by the beauty of PNC Park and their won-loss record in about 25 of the last 31 seasons.

Of course, once you are there, what makes you want to come back a second time now that O’Neil Cruz is out for the season? Jack Suwinski is in the upper half of second-tier centrefielders. One-time MVP Andrew McCutchen is getting his elder statesman on through the DH role.

Overall, nondescriptness pervades. Did you know that Jack Suwinski was a competitive swimmer in high school? Did you know Gabe’s last name was Lewis?

San Diego Padres: Jan Levinson and Michael Scott, Season 4

A team that is under .500 with the No. 3 payroll at a time when their broadcast partner is broke? That sounds like the Michael-and-Jan dynamic when they shacked up in Season 4. You fear to watch, and yet you cannot look away.

At least this will not lead to Padres chairman Peter Seidler standing in the middle of Petco Park yelling, “I… declare… bankruptcy!”

It is a parable as old as time: opposites seldom attract, and so it goes with the Padres’ historical form and trying to move into a high-rent district. Jan made Michael trade in their cars for a Porsche. The Padres signed shortstop Xander Bogaerts to a $280-million contract and have watched him on-base a meh .339 with ennh extra-base power and so-so-ish fielding. Jan made Michael front her money for a candle business. Yu Darvish and Joe Musgrove got big money to front the starting rotation, and have combined for 1.0 WAR.

Anyone who has been in on the Padres should choose their next out-of-market bandwagon wisely: “Mr. Scott, who is this other woman, ‘Ryan,’ whom you describe as ‘just as hot as Jan, but in a different way?’ ”

Nope, not a woman. Just another team with cool second-generation star power that often looks the part but has yet to prove reliable. Pan left to see Toby (Red Sox) laughing so hard he has to excuse himself.

San Francisco Giants: Darryl Philbin, Seasons 5-7

The quietly solid contributor. Craig Robinson as Darryl was the most underrated player of the series, often becoming the ears and eyes of the audience by playing the straight man

Darryl could be sly like a fox, especially if he had the chance to put one over on Michael Scott. He also showed compassion, selflessness, musical talent, and the ability to tell the difference between Billy Joel and Huey Lewis and the News songs.

The ’23 iteration of San Fran is staying on track with a lineup led by projection-beating never-heard-of-’ems such as on-base machine Lamonte Wade Jr. and middle-infield glue guy Thairo Estrada. Michael counted on his “Mittah Rogers” down in the warehouse. San Fran has two down in the bullpen — twins Taylor Rogers and Tyler Rogers. If we know anything about this player, their second half and their safety presentation are gonna be zoppity.

St. Louis Cardinals: Angela Martin, Season 9

Being publicly dumped by her husband, The Senator, was as big a blow to Angela as the retirement of longtime catcher Yadier Molina has been to the Best Fans In Baseball. And the schadenfreude from the downward spiral could power Schrute Farms. Something, something, you reap what you sow when you side-eye anyone who fails to measure up under your double standards severe scrutiny.

Angela and the Cardinals got caught up in their illusions. Her ex-husband Robert Lipton, after all, was just a state senator. Buster Posey, not Molina, is the best catcher of the last two decades who should be waved right into the Baseball Hall of Fame someday. But Angela would look up from shopping for a tent to live in with her toddler son to sharply remind you that Posey played his entire career with the Giants, and “orange is kind of whorish.” And God help you!

Washington Nationals: Pizza By Alfredo, Season 4

Oh, it is bad. Watching the Nationals must seem like eating a hot circle of garbage. They are tied for the most losses at home in the majors. Reminder: there are at least two teams trying to suck in order to sucker a city into giving them a new ballpark.

But anyone looking to buy a business must be salivating. The Nats’ profit margins are pretty good in spite of the lackluster product, thanks both to resolving the decade-long MASN media rights dispute, and offering coupons that trick regional managers into over-ordering because they believe they can get a 50 percent discount on eight pizzas instead of just the first two pizzas. At least they will not lock corner infielder Jeimer Candelairo in the conference room, since he is their best trade chip.

Meantime, not too far away, Alfredo’s Pizza Café is serving a much better pie with lower overhead. The resurgent Orioles are 29th in payroll while the Nats are 24th.

Anyway, that about sums it up — dinkin flicka. That is more than enough for now. Please stay safe, and stay kind.

1. Comic actor Ed Helms, who played Andy, was born in Atlanta. His Wikipedia bio notes, “Helms partnered with VoteRiders in 2022 to encourage volunteers to write letters and send texts to registered voters to let them know how to overcome voter ID barriers that could prevent them from casting a ballot.” A year earlier, MLB pulled the 2021 All-Star Game from Atlanta after the state passed a voter-suppression law.

2. Nepo baby alert. Bob Castellini is the principal partner in the Reds.

3. Scherzer is only 38, but jokes.