AL teams as 'The Office' characters: MLB midseason report, Part 1
Let us survey the first half of the MLB season from the deepest part of the Scranton Business Park. Click "View entire message" to see where it starts, and where it ends. That's what she said.
Bingeing TV series and getting back into baseball helped differentiate the days during the pandemic two and three years ago. One can only pay that forward.
So, in that spirit, here is a review of how it is going for American League teams, using characters from The Office. What, you expected power rankings and letter grades?
This is written, hopefully, so casual fans can scan the first paragraph. Diehard Dunder Mifflinites might want the whole thing.
Part one is the AL, the NL will come in a couple of hours. Since I have renounced the MLB divisional format, the teams are listed alphabetically.
Baltimore Orioles: Clark Green and Pete Miller, Season 9
Who are these guys?! If you dipped during the original run or during rewatches once Steve Carell exited, then you might be jarred. Who is Clark? Who is Pete? What is this, a contending Orioles ballclub?
The impulse might be to dislike them on sight since change is hard. Sure, tanking got the Orioles homebrew stars such as catcher Adley Rutschman and shortstop Gunnar Henderson. But a playoff-quality team with the second-lowest payroll in the game, in such a grand old baseball town? Sounds like a win. But now we cannot just refer to their players as Fart and Plop.
They do deserve something nice. The Orioles had those three 100-loss seasons and hundreds of Chris Davis memes from 2018 to ’21. It was so that they likely wished they were Clark after he ate a drug-laced cupcake that Todd Packer brought to the office. “I went Christmas caroling in March and then fertilized some bushes. Not my best night. But, not my worst night.”
Boston Red Sox: Toby Flenderson, Seasons 4-7
Half-a-ha: obvious “Boston Strangler” quip-tie is obvious. The Bosawx cannot catch a break with player health. Hopefully, for their sake, the front office reminded everyone important that their contract forbids zip-lining during the All-Star Break. Like Toby, they keep bashing away, finding small wins, minor joys, and ways to exasperate Michael Scott simply by existing.
They do get lonely and lovelorn in the annex-slash-fifth slot in the AL East while carrying a torch for the one they let get away who is now in Dodger Blue. But you underestimate Toby and the Red Sox at your peril. They can put some runs on the board and might have some serial killer tendencies.
Outfielders Jarren Duran and Alex Verdugo are running the bases as jauntily as someone who had Immodium in their pregame coffees. Like Toby in his HR role, the Red Sox are there to give reminders about foolish baseballing, which seems to be happening a lot around the AL East. Well, the parts of the AL East in Canada.
This season is also a good, verité setting for the new Chad Flenderman novel. It’s a mystery exploring why Fenway Sports Group no longer authorizes the Red Sox to spend top dollar for players.
Chicago White Sox: Phyllis Lappin-Vance and Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, Seasons 2-3
What line of work are you in, Chisox? Say it ain’t baseball, what with that .418 ball you have played this season.
The Second City’s second team adds atmosphere. They are also key at reminding fans of the unseen hands at the levers of MLB and the Scranton economy. Or as Phyllis snaps at Karen Filipelli: “You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.”1
Chicago chairman Jerry Reinsdorf is a shadow commissioner, taking an anti-labour hardline in both that capacity and as the head of the NBA’s Bulls. Bob Vance might be looped into the underworld. Did you notice that Phyllis was one of the only people in the bullpen whom Michael did not deliver a BOOM, ROASTED to at the end of “Stress Relief” in Season 5?
That is probably why the White Sox’s historic underachievement never seems like a big deal. They’re comfortable with the balance they’ve found. They have never signed a star to a nine-figure mega-contract. Their last big spend for a coveted free agent was in 1997 for Albert Belle. That was so long ago that the AL and NL still had their own league presidents, and the World Series aired on NBC.
Phyllis’s stinky perfumes aside, she and Bob boost the overall camaraderie. That’s a metaphor for the charm the White Sox contribute to their two-team town.
Cleveland Guardians: Dwight Schrute, Seasons 1-2
Reader, you might think Dwight deserves a team with a higher national profile and position in recent power rankings. False.
The Guardians and Dwight Kurt Schrute are a perfect match. Both only need a minimal amount of power and success to reach their maximum level of happiness. And both have blown shots at the big chair.
As a Comedy Central division team in the age of Rob Manfred, the Guardians are aggressively sycophantic about pleasing Corporate by minding the bottom line, regardless of how it affects morale. That is Dwight right off the bat in Season 1. In “Health Care” he slashes workmates’ benefits and threatens to take away their healthcare for listing clearly fake medical conditions such as “hot dog fingers,” “Count Choculitis,” and “anal fissures.” In “The Alliance,” he forms a pact with Jim to try to prevent them from being downsized.
Cleveland has the longest World Series title drought but does not seem to realize they are the problem. Dwight thought he was going to become regional manager before Michael exposed him as a backstabber (early Season 3). He literally misfired in his interim-manager stint (late Season 7). The organization is a true believer that you can win it all with Low-Budget Ball.
As Dwight puts it: “I have a destiny to fulfill in this realm.” If it means climbing into a box in the middle of the warehouse, or dyeing your hair blond, then so be it.
Detroit Tigers: Kevin Malone, around Season 5
No arms and no legs are basically how you live, Tigers. You don’t do anything. Other than scoring the occasional out-of-nowhere dunk, like when Matt Manning led a combo no-hitter against the Blue Jays the other day.
The popular fan theory is Kevin played up his thickness to cover for stealing money. That scans with what Javy Báez (0.3 WAR, 63 OPS+) is producing relative to what he is paid ($32M). It can stretch to Detroit having the most nondescript roster in MLB even though they have been rebuilding since the second Obama Administration.
Detroit also appears ‘challenged’ with how they bring up players ‘developmentally.’ Small wonder that any mildly hot hitting from Riley Greene or Spencer Torkelson seems to get major play from MLB’s in-house media. Their AL all-star rep is Michael Lorenzen, whose earned-run average is more than 4.00. It was a whopping two-100ths of a point better than the MLB average when he was named to the AL team!
That calls to mind:
Holly: Cool! You drive your own car?
Kevin: Yup. This is my car. Do you drive your own car?
Holly: Yep. Just like you.
Kevin: Okay, bye.
Holly: Bye. Kevin, I’m really proud of you.
Houston Astros: Robert California, Season 8
They have made it to the top with devious methods, and by weirding out almost everyone else.
The Astros are a force to be reckoned with, with four pennants and two World Series titles in the last five full seasons. They are hard to warm up to, which applies to Robert California (James Spader). His eerie charisma enabled him to trade up the regional manager job he accepted to Dunder Mifflin CEO after talking Jo Bennett out of her own job, but this ain’t Succession.
Robert California is off on his wavelength as a satirical comment on the first of the plays-by-his-own-rules plutocrat who aspires to be a philosopher-king. He could close a branch after a “one-man saturnalia… (where) I got into a case of Australian reds, and — how should I say this — Columbian whites,” and just expect you to clean up the mess and carry on like nothing happened.
The Astros also give off that aloofness. Perceived lack of chagrin, notably from stars such as Alex Bregman and Jose Altuve, has fed the backlash and given the sign-stealing scandal its stickiness. Carlos Correa was one Astros star who did say in 2021 that the organization has to wear it. And he was soon on his way after that; facts.
Kansas City Royals: Kelly Kapoor, Seasons 3-8
The self-infatuation is strong. Kelly treats celebrity news as part of her life and believes she is a Queen, or “the really hot, popular girl.” The dismal Royals are trying to shake down the local governments for a subsidized $2-billion stadium.
There are probably more than a few observers who believe they have had a great run in Kelly’s Nook / Kauffman Stadium but believe they’re ready for another series, sorry, city.
Now, for Royals fans, what do you prefer to watching this team: an hour of television, or an hour of napping? You have to pick before Royal Christmas in July: Trade Deadline Day, the one time per season when you get attention without crying.
Los Angeles Angels: the Michael Scott Paper Company, Season 5
Two stars who hit home runs and answer the call for courage and greatness are getting run off their feet. The rest of the cast is just making another spreadsheet.
Michael and Pam pulled each other up to make his paper company work when he quit in a snit, and Ryan was along for the ride. With the Angels, the unique matchless talents of Shohei Ohtani and Mike Trout mean the Art Moreno Baseball Company of Anaheim can undercut more complete and established competitors. Carlos Estévez finishing up out of the bullpen means they deserve the coffee that is for closers.
But the breaking point is even more nigh than Belsnickel at Christmas. Putting the Angels on their back didn’t directly contribute to Trout fracturing a bone, but it works at the level of quick-’n’-dirty metaphor. Neither these Angels nor the MSPC was built with any long-range vision.
The Angels, at least, are less of a tire fire. Michael’s nanna would deem them a medium-high risk, medium-high reward investment. So there is that.
Minnesota Twins: Stanley Hudson, Seasons 5-6
Asleep half of the time and yet coming out more or less ahead. That sums up Stanley the Manly and the AL Central-contending Twins, so they win the Stanley Comp. Who says men’s pro teams in Minnesota never win anything?
The Twins are tallying just enough W’s — within a game of .500!! — to avoid being fake-fired. Stanley always made sure to get enough Z’s at his desk. Take that as proof positive good things happen when you steadily receive strong starting pitching, make your sales calls, stay engaged with clients, do your crossword puzzles, and just count the days until they get swept in the playoffs again the next Pretzel Day.
New York Yankees: Michael Scott, Season 2
Slugger extraordinaire Aaron Judge hurt his toe on an outfield wall! Michael burned his foot with a George Foreman Grill, and then he bumped his elbow, and now his elbow has a “protruberance!”
Every team has injuries and there are 25 other players on a roster. But the Yankee-centric baseball media are acting like Michael when he expected the office to drop everything to wait on him (get your groans ready) hand and foot.
Other currents of Season 2 Michael Energy are coursing through the South Bronx. Waiting till the last day before the all-star break to fire hitting coach Dillon Lawson, whose charges are sixth-worst in on-basing while being fifth in home runs? That is straight out of the “Halloween” episode.
Tracking back to 2022, the way that Judge’s Roger Maris chase of 2022 was accorded the chase of an actual MLB record was as devoid of self-awareness as the Dundie Awards. It was a big deal to the East Coast media and to Michael, but not so much to anybody else in another section of Chili’s.
Season 2 also revealed that Michael had filmmaking aspirations. Is that any more delusional than washed Josh Donaldson believing he should still bat cleanup?
Oakland Athletics: Creed Bratton, Season 3
Athletics majority owner John Fisher faked the death of baseball in Oakland to try to move the team to Las Vegas. They are alive, but the obituary is already published. Nice job on that, by the way.
Creed blowing off weekly spot-checks at the paper mill for an entire year equates to Fisher leaving the Athletics’ ballpark and 40-man roster to rot. Profitability is unaffected. They keep getting MLB revenue sharing, collect benefits as one’s own widow, and pocket cash from running a small fake-ID business with a laminating machine swiped from the sheriff’s station.
At Estaury Ruiz is leading the majors in stolen bases. Give him the Creedlight to go whenever he wants: “I like stealing things... I gave up caring a long time ago.”
Seattle Mariners: The Einsteins trivia team, Season 8
This motley crew tries to defy expectations and just have fun. That covers the Mariners riding #Chaosball to an ALDS appearance in 2022. Likewise, the Einsteins drew an inside straight to win a bar trivia contest. Their victory was the margin of Kelly cross-referencing Keeping Up With Kardashians to the NBA Sixth Man Award and Kevin’s kernel of carnal interest in Marion Cotillard’s filmography.
Whelp, perhaps it was a one-shot deal. The Einsteins found out quickly they could not go back to that well. So far in 2023, the Mariners are treading water in the AL West and supposed sluggers Teoscar Hernández, Jarred Kelenic, and Eugenio Suárez are all on pace for nearly 200 strikeouts, making us doubt whatever they pulled off in 2022.
Yes, the Blue Jays led 8-1.
Tampa Bay Rays: Jim (James, Jimothy) Halpert, Season 6
The Rays have traversed that everyman-to-villain arc. Now will they finally have it all, like Jim did when he weds Pam, becomes a father, and becomes co-manager? Either way, it will force one to wonder whether the Rays winning the World Series is in the best interest of baseball fandom.
The arcs with Jim and the Rays are similar. Tampa Bay circa 2008, like Jim, lured you in through scruffy insouciance and knowing what they might not get — a competitive payroll; Pam’s love. They were clever, resourceful, and pumped full of proprietary intel, which was the equivalent of Jim’s endless array of pranks.
They have kept it up so long, and so persistently, though, that it now seems sinister. Is the Rays’ way of relying on wage-controlled younger players and then reloading truly good for baseball?
Pranks, after all, can look mean. The Rays’ success with BudgetBall enables more teams to jump to the unofficial NFT Division (as in not effing trying).
The core Rays group, beyond the talisman, shortstop Wander Franco with his team-friendly long-term deal, is like that early Jim of seasons 2 and 3. The job itself of earning 90-plus wins and a playoff berth comes easily to them. But seeing the recent World Series banners fly in Atlanta and Houston, or listening to Pam planning her wedding to Roy Anderson, might trigger fight-or-flight impulses.
Then again, trolling the Dwights and Clevelands of these parallel demimondes never gets old. — Meet my eye-line, Jim! — I am. — Stop acting like an idiot! — Okay.
Texas Rangers: Oscar Martínez, Seasons 3-8
Kids, sometimes it pays to pay big for star middle infielders such as Corey Seager and Marcus Semien. The Rangers are getting it done as they vie to win the AL West. There are, however, capital-R reasons not to be invested in this supporting player.
Oscar was accepted by his workmates after being outed by Michael in the Season 3 première. Yet there was always some resentment of Oscar due to his severe knowitallism — he was quietly known as “Actually.”
The Rangers also seldom get the love. Paraphrasing what Michael said when Oscar came back from his company-paid “gay-cation,” the Rangers’ evident talent does not define them. Their Texasness defines them.
Texas is the only MLB team that does not hold Pride Night. It is based in a state that has dialed up being what late political columnist Molly Ivins called the National Laboratory for Bad Government. That context counts in this corner! It hardly screams, “Line to get on the bandwagon in mid-October forms here.”
Actor Oscar Nuñez was the cast member who “never broke” while shooting a scene. The Rangers, historically, always break in October. Not getting 100 percent behind these laggards of the fall is self-preservation. How ’bout those Cowboys?!
Toronto Blue Jays: Ryan Howard, Season 4
Toronto, like Ryan when he moved to Corporate, has a grand vision and big talk, but loses interest and takes shortcuts when it gets difficult. Holy millennial stereotype!
It is still too early to say the ’23 Jays are as fraudulent as Dunder Mifflin Infinity sales reports. At least Vladimir Guerrero and his power have finally showed up.
But then there is that 7-20 record against AL East counterparts, compared to 43-21 against the rest of the world. And the trials of Alek Manoah. The batting group that ranks fourth-worst in OBP with runners in scoring position. And manager John Schneider’s in-game decisions. At some point, the bugs are the features.
Watch what you say about them, though. Diehard Jays fans keep receipts.
Later this morning: The National League.
That is more than enough for now. Please stay safe, and stay kind.
It will make sense in Part 2.