The NFL’s final four has metaphors | Bills against anyone | gutting absolutism | GRUFF, Vol. 9
Catching up on the conference championship games with a chorus of 'Hail to the Doofus Culture.' Plus a thought exercise you can apply when faced with less than great outcomes.
Stored-up thoughts from the last three weeks of football…
i. Championship weekend
The nice thing, Jayden Daniels working wonders to will wild-card Washington into the penultimate stage, meets with the record scratch.
You know, from the tingle that shoots up your arms and spine, how it goes with imperialistic types using the name of a Super Bowl team for some tawdry metaphors. It was said immediately after the Patriots won the one played in New Orleans months after the 2001 terrorist attacks in New York City and Washington.
One fears not too much, since all tyranny is temporary, but it behooves to be out front. You can already hear it coming from certain echo chambers if Daniels leads Washington past the Philadelphia Eagles, and if Kansas City and Patrick Mahomes fuel up on home cooking to turn back the Buffalo Bills and Josh Allen yet again.
It will be accompanied by bizarre incorrect capitalization, misspellings, and exclamation marks from 34felonies471 about how we should have the Commanders’n’Chiefs playing when the true Commander-in-Chief is back in the White House!!!!2
Ya, sure. As if it was ordained through an executive order that was “absolutely written by AI.”
The opposite matchup, Eagles and Bills, has some symbolism. The former moniker ties in dispossession, taking away, if not the same kind that the talking heads on FOX and CBS will say must be avoided at all costs.
The eagle is sacred in many Indigenous cultures since it flies the highest in the sky and thereby closest to the creator. Appropriative-ly enough, eagle symbolism was yoinked by the founding fathers when it came time to pick a national bird, and thus it fits the bill for a Philadelphia football team. In that context, the eagle exudes freedom and strength.
Far be it to be the Canadian paying more attention to the shortcomings of the meth lab we live above while letting our apartment go to seed. The reality is that “our closest neighbour becoming an out and active fascist (is) the highest-level emergency.” Being able to 75, 80 percent fade that out whilst watching football on Sundays is a small psychological win.
At this stage in the game, it’s the freedom to be gouged by oligarchs, and the strength not to let all that empty your emotive-psyche accounts. Anything can be temporary if you reduce to that, and trust that what endures is character, like you read in Sports Illustrated a long time ago.
And what are Bills? Bills are the short form for pieces of legislation that have maintained the rule of law, a cross-piece in a functional society. Pull out the rule of law, and it all comes down. Go ahead and giggle at the naivety-filled nerd-out over bills becoming laws, crafted and shaped through consensus and consultation in ways that can positively affect the lives of average people cursed not to be well-connected.
In the U.S. system, for 248 years, the Congress drafted, debated, and passed bills that the president would sign into law. Those were, for rhetorical purposes, worth something. An executive order signed by an administration bent on tiring people out by speeding up the news-cycle hamster wheel is worth about as much as a futures bet on the New York Jets to win the Super Bowl. And there was indication all along this was planned. Of course a felon would go “f—k it, release ’em all,” and put violent insurrectionists back out on the street to do crimes almost immediately.
Hail to the Doofus Culture!
At this stage, all I will do is laugh like hell at whatever sturm und drang is dragged out next. Laughter is strength. De-F-ing-activating Twitter shows strength, too, for the extremely online. Laughing at the American fascist clown show also stokes hope, and like I read this week from someone, Carol Linnitt, who has put more on the line than I have, “there is no sense in being hopeless until there is nothing left to hope for.”
Now, this is not a prediction the Eagles of Jalen Hurts, Saquon Barkley, and Jalen Carter will stymie Daniels and the Commanders, or Allen’s Bills will defeat Mahomes’ Kansas City. This athletics supporter never purports to be the ultimate knower of ball. I support the Minnesota Vikings, for do-not-want-your-pity’s sake. It just seemed like a way to capture the geist of it.
Please remember, football strategies will evolve and morph, and the players will get faster and stronger. What is true as it ever was: the ball usually and eventually bounces for the team with the better quarterback. However, lines win championships, which comes back to that freedom-and-strength dynamic. Having the strength, on the defense and specials, across the offensive line, to play with the freedom not to be loud, overaggressive, and overly desperate.
Enjoy the games on Sunday.
ii. Snowball’s chance
Seeing Mark Andrews of the Ravens drop the game-tying conversion pass against the Bills just hearkened to running around at recess in the snow playing light-tackle football.
Snowy playoff games bake in the entropy (“a state of disorder, or a tendency toward such a state”). That is a fancy word for the human element the football-industrial complex spends 12 months trying to drill out of the talent.
The gloves that rushers and receivers wear — it’s either that or frostbite — still cannot fully handle a ball hardened by the weather. It scoots and wiggles around on impact against a jersey that’s also absorbed moisture from sweat on a cold day. So no one should look at Andrews, who also lost a fumble in the fourth quarter that led to three critical points for Buffalo, as a goat. The fumble and the drop happened due to the weather. That makes it understandable and relatable, and yeah, it is the same weather conditions for both teams.
What was wild, indulging some rehash, was that NFL teams still haven’t embraced going for a two-point conversion in dicey conditions for the kicker.
Saturday, in windswept Kansas City, the never-miss-an-opportunity-to-miss-the-opportunity Houston Texans had a (so, so, sorry) Taylor-made opportunity. On the first drive after halftime, QB C.J. Stroud led a touchdown drive that lasted almost 10½ minutes. The wind was havocing the kicking, and the Texans’ Ka’imi Fairbairn had badly missed one of his first-half kicks.
At the very least, making a show of going for two points might induce a burned timeout or a Kansas City penalty. And there is a loophole in the NFL rulebook that a team that lines up to try the rush or pass from the 2-yard line can change their mind after a penalty, and take the 1-point kick. Instead, the Texans reflexively sent in Fairbairn. He missed, and the Texans’ offence never scored again.
The Texans are one of eight teams that didn’t convert a deuce all season, and also went 2-for-7 in 2023. A touchdown-plus underdog, though, should be willing to try one or two potential scale-tipping gambits. If you are likely to lose since Kansas City has the refs onside, at least be slightly unconventional.
iii. Refball
Once again, the CFL has proven to be years ahead of the NFL with an officiating problem. Of course, this is about the rancor over two 15-yard penalties applied against the Texans after hits on Mahomes, and the conspiracism about whether there is something afoot to smooth out KC’s path to a three-peat.
The problem, as with anything, is the dearth of transparency. There is a sufficient slice of the audience that knows how much of an ‘A1D’ (as in automatic 1st down) the offence gets from a 15-yard penalty, especially if it negates a team punting from their own zone like one of the fouls did. (The other came on a first down, and K.C. went on to score a touchdown.)
The existential challenge in football is curbing the frequency and force of blows to the head. At the same time, no one likes a flopper.
In 2018, the CFL installed an eighth on-field official just to watch for headshots. The video review officials are also empaneled to review some penalties, and they can also assess a roughing-the-passer penalty.
The NFL easily has the tech to put toward looking concerned about the official. What should happen?
Any time the quarterback is hit after passing, the broadcast should toggle to a double-box on screen, with one screen showing an automatic replay.
The video review officials should have the latitude to intervene for the major fouls — roughing the passer, unnecessary roughness, and pass interference.
furthermore, there are two types of penalties intended to protect kickers and punters — five yards for running into, 15 for roughing. Apply that to protecting the quarterback.
In the Texans-KC controversy, the roughing-the-passer penalty that ESPN’s Troy Aikman scoffed at came on a third-and-8 play. There was light contact to Mahomes’ head, and a five-yard penalty would have still led to Kansas City punting back to Houston, who had just scored.
The CFL allows coaches to challenge for pass interference. The NFL game is far too slow and convoluted to allow that.
iv. Bills, Bills, Bills
Everyone knows the meme. The Bills will be penalized 15 yards for roughing the passer as they de-board their charter flights to Kansas City for the AFC championship game, if they have not already.
Everyone is a football expert in January. What could, here is to hoping, be different in Bills-KC IV is that Josh Allen is functionally bold. He pared his interception rate to a career-best 1.2 percent this season, and no longer also has to supply the legs in the rushing phase.
In two of the three playoff defeats against Kansas City, Allen led the Bills in rushing; in the other, James Cook was kept to under 3½ yards an attempt. The Bills have enough to keep the bandwagon rolling and force Kansas City into a scoring battle.
A scan of the Kansas City docket, pending confirmation bias check, shows they have scarcely played any high-functioning offences all season. The exceptions were narrow scrapes against the Ravens and Lamar Jackson in the prime-time season opener, and another early-season tilt with the Joe Burrow-led Bengals, plus an overtime escape act on the road against Carolina and Bryce Young.
The playoff history says Kansas City, ah-duh. The form says the Bills are due.
v. irresistible Washington, immovable Philly
Take it away, Charlie Kelly. The Gang bleeds Eagle green, but one has to admire how the Commanders and their rookie quarterback Daniels have just cut the brakes in the playoffs, and won by outscoring opponents.
Now: the X-factor in the Commies-Eagles showdown? You might have noticed that the Eagles, led by Carter, are pretty imposing across the defensive front, and Washington had to swap out an interior O-lineman with Trent Scott replacing injured Sam Cosimi at right guard. There could expose Daniels to some heat.
Flipping sides, it rests on how much Hurts is hobbled after absorbing six sacks against the Rams, and recovering from a brain injury suffered against the Commanders on Dec. 22. Just stating that casually underlines the brutality the NFL anesthesizes you to forget.
Even with Barkley, it’s supposed to be daunting to win with a passing game that netted under 70 yards, like Philly did this week.
Still not ready to put a -30- on the Vikings’ season, so on to other topics.
vi. Ohio State won the natty; still lost to Michigan
In time, with more run-throughs of the College Football Playoff championship, it will be normal for a team to lose their rivalry game, but win it all January.
Ha-ha-ever, the Ohio State Buckeyes and coach Ryan Day did it first. That will always be coded in the banner that goes up at ‘The Shoe,’ the Buckeyes’ stadium in Columbus. And the 2023 Michigan Wolverines are the last team to run the table to a 15-0 season and win the compact four-team championship.
As a Michigan casual diehard, having the Notre Dame Fighting Irish-Ohio State championship game on Jan. 20 was a thought exercise. Neither outcome was preferable, but one would have to occur. So how do you work through it? You don’t have to root for someone actively, so in this case you picture the egg dripping off the collective face.
With the Buckeyes installed a touchdown-or-more favorite, it wasn’t hard getting to a cool dry place with that. It was like this: the sicker burn would be that Notre Dame, for all the hoopla, still hasn’t won a national championship in 36 seasons since 1988. And the Irish only have the national championship to play for since they are a football independent by choice.
And, Ohio State is vain enough to need to win more than once every 20 or 30 seasons. They are so vain they would probably think this blurb about them. It isn’t. It’s about Michigan soon getting to pass 2,000 days without losing to Ohio State. That will fall on May 22, if you care to count.
vii. SKOLOLOL and screw the seeding
Trying to be nice, magnanimous, and empathetic with Detroit Lions fans turned into a whole lotta nothing.
First, just the facts: the Lions put the Vikings into the bottom half of the NFC playoff bracket. And what did they do with their No. 1 seed? Allow 45 points, cede five turnovers, and lose by two touchdowns at home to the Commanders and Daniels.
It did take a week to 10 days to work through the gutting absolutism, the memes, and the shitpost culture that accompanies the playoffs. It is a one-game, one-shot deal, and sometimes it just does not work out, and you get up and move on and try it a little differently next time. If there is a point here, it’s that this tends to nudge you toward all-or-nothing thinking, when the reality is you need to mentally sprint away from that and learn to find those filterings.
Knowers of ball have already analyzed the Vikings’ season, where they went 14-4 overall. They had a pair of two-loss skids: lose to the Lions, then lose the following game against the Rams in prime time.
Vikings QB Sam Darnold missed open throws against the Lions. Receivers who were characteristically open at certain points in his progressions were not open against the physical Rams defenders in the wild card game on Jan. 13. That led to him being sacked an epic number of times, and since Ottawa native Neville Gallimore dumped him a couple times, there was some solace.
There is nothing that I need to hear when that happens. There is another season in eight months’ time. I bleed purple, and I know all the jokes, like how the Vikings wear purple because they have been choking for 55 years.
Friendly reminder
I post about current affairs in Notes and on Bluesky (n8sager). I am no longer on the Space Nazi’s Bird app.
Hopefully, this is enough for now. Please stay safe, and be kind.
Jan. 4-Jan. 24, 2025
Hamilton and Loyalist Township, Ont. : on the traditional territories of the Erie, Neutral, Huron-Wendat, Haudenosaunee, Omámíwinini, and Mississaugas.
That would totally be you-know-who’s handle on Reddit.
This is about the only time Kansas City’s team nickname appears in this space.