The "Happy Endings" gang discusses politics (fan fiction from the pandemic year)
As today as the eve of Election Day in the Excited States, I went into my files for some fanfic imagining the sitcom sixsome bantering about the 2020 United States presidential election.
In certain circles — or at least one, mine — Happy Endings is part of a trinity of Peak Xennial sitcoms. Whelp, no wonder you may never have heard of it, or seen any of its 57 episodes.
Tro mig, the show is generational. It hit differently. It first aired in 2011, in the wake of the Great Recession, which was the second one of our lifetimes, both sandwiched around four or more years of rising tuition fees for higher education. The show was absurdist but the new reality was part of its universe. Or as Max Blum once put it: “It’s funny ’cause we’re a nation in decline.”
And it kind of fell into a delta. It was on TV when changing patterns of media consumption meant a major broadcast network would never again have a sitcom or late-night talk show be such a moneymaker. It’s not as if they were not warned about it.1 And Happy Endings was too early for the streaming era. One can only imagine that the suit dummies at ABC weren’t happy the ratings and ad revenue never arrived.
For a quick primer, the show had a hangout ensemble of six, with a sibling pair, couple goals, and a runaway bride. In case you missed it — and judging by those ratings that limited it to 57 episodes you did — this was/is the cast:
Eliza Coupe as Jane Kerkovich-Williams, a Type-A overachiever. Basically, a blond Monica Geller. A signature line: “You lightly bite one security guard and they act like you're a criminal!”
Damon Wayans Jr. as Brad Williams, Jane’s spouse. Basically, a Black version of Chandler Bing, with a vague corporate finance job. One of his signature lines: “Nobody solves things through tennis matches anymore, bro. It isn’t the Eighties.”
Elisha Cuthbert as Aleksandra (Alex) Kerkovich, Jane’s sister and owner of a women’s clothing boutique called Xela. One of her signature lines: “I’m not as dumb as I am.”
Zachary Knighton as Dave Rose, Alex’s ex-fiancé and sometimes boyfriend, who also owns a food truck called Steak Me Home Tonight. Dave is “a leading man type (who’s) partaken in some really outlandish behaviour.”
Casey Wilson as Penny Hartz, Alex’s and Jane’s lifelong friend who is hopelessly single, à la Rachel Green. One of her signature lines: “I just saw a PR opportunity, and I went full speed ahead like a runaway train… which is why everyone in my office calls me” — deep exhale — “an absolute train wreck.”
Adam Pally as Max Blum, the gang’s resident “gay disaster” who is Penny and Brad’s bestie, Dave’s sometimes roommate, and as underemployed as Joey Tribbiani. Max, quoth Brad, “leads the league in having jobs you didn’t know were jobs.”
There was a great thread recently from H.E. writing alumna Sierra Ornelas that noted 21-of-23 writers have either become show-runners or seconds-in-command. Ornelas made it sound like it was the creative work setting you wished you had, where “writers were given a runway to learn and grow and become our bosses.”
Ornelas added, “Did I make mistakes? Yes. Did I co-write an ep where Max becomes an actual Bear? Yes I did.”
Without further ado (more like, maybe you don’t) three years ago, a friend put me up to writing some fanfic. The scenario was to imagine how the sitcom sextet would have discussed the 2020 United States presidential election. For a giggle, hopefully, here is what we conjured.2
INT. DAY — JANE AND BRAD’S CONDOMINIUM.
It is the Sunday before the first Tuesday in November. Five of the six members of the gang are flaked out on Brad and Jane’s sofas. Jane stands behind the kitchen island ready to serve brunch.
JANE
Hey everybody, we got bacon, ham, scrambled eggs…
MAX
Strawberries?
JANE
No callbacks today, Max.
Max BALLS HIS LEFT HAND INTO A FIST and PUNCHES a cushion that has Aaron Rodgers’s face on it.
PENNY
Urrrrrrrgh, Tuesday’s the election. Finally, it’s done for a day! Then we get more of it, only worse.
BRAD
Like Game of Thrones! Or The Masked Singer! (Imitates Whitney Houston) Annnnnnnnnd I, I, will always loathe you!
Camera PIVOTS HARD to Jane, who is CLENCHING a spatula and giving Brad her “Are ya done yet?” face.
ALEX
Oh right, the election. Finally! I can’t wait to see Anderson Cooper get thirsty live on the air.
PENNY
Uh, Al, it’s been the biggest story of the last year. Besides, you’ve seen him get thirsty a bunch of times.
ALEX
(defensively)
Huh? I don’t watch the news. I only use Instagram and ever since Tucker Carlson licked my face at Whole Foods, it’s been pointless.
Everyone pauses, doing GROSSED-OUT FACES and SOUNDS. Max delivers a SERIES OF LEFT-RIGHT COMBINATIONS to the Aaron Rodgers cushion, ’cause why not?
BRAD
Well, speaking of licking, we mailed out our votes a few weeks ago. Felt great.
JANE
Heh, yup, giving the old check mark to the Prez: FOUR MORE YEARS, FOUR MORE YEARS!
Jane begins PUMPING HER FIST, the one holding the SPATULA. FLECKS of SCRAMBLED EGG FLY LIKE SHRAPNEL.
The gang RECOILS with questioning, uncomfortable looks from everyone except Max, who reaches down with his fork TO SNAG some scrambled egg bits.
PENNY
Jane. No. No. You didn’t.
JANE
I most certainly did, Pen. (She puts on a train engineer’s hat with a MAGA patch on the front.) TRUMP TRAIN!
DAVE
Jane!! You seriously voted for Trump?!
MAX
(sarcastic inflection)
I did not see that coming.
JANE
Of course, I did.
PENNY:
But, but, 236,000 deaths from COVID-19 and counting!3 And remember when your bachelorette party was a Pandemic Simulation Camp?
Penny GRABS a framed photo off a shelf. It shows six women in HazMat suits — five of them chartreuse, with Jane in a white one adorned with a sash reading “Bride.”
ALEX
I still have two rolls left of the toilet paper that was in the gift bags.
MAX
Correction, Al — one. By the way, Dave, my feedback on those empanadas you are thinking of selling at your food truck? Literally a hard pass.
DAVE
You still ate the whole platter of them.
JANE:
Look, if I wanted higher taxes and my guns seized, I’d just go live in Toronto. Right Brad?
BRAD
(code-switching to a deeper voice)
Heh, no way I’m going to Canuckistan, not this freedom-loving American. I like my football with four downs, 10-yard end zones, and fair catches, THANKYOUVERYMUCH!
(regular tone) Besides, I love having loaded Berettas beside me at night while I snuggle up to my boo, hahahaha!
DAVE
Well, I will be voting for the Green Party again. I believe in the future of Mother Earth and neither red nor blue does.
Massive groans from everyone except Dave. Max puts his hand up his t-shirt for a flurry of ARMPIT FARTS.
ALEX
Doesn’t your food truck run on diesel?
PENNY
And let’s not forget your food truck’s milkshakes are made with almond milk. That stuff uses hell-ur amounts of water!
Penny returns Jane’s photo TO THE SHELF. She FLOPS DOWN ON THE SOFA.
PENNY
Man, this soooooooks! I wanted all the sacrifices I have made this year to pay off, that body slam from Kyle the Bernie Bro has to be worth it.
MAX
Heh, I remember that — he nailed you so hard. TikTok loved it. And I hooked up with him, like a week later.
ALEX
Guys! I swear, Mayor Pete could have been so GAUD as President.
BRAD
Fixing bread prices, so not GAUD.
PENNY
OK, that is the last time I set you up with one of the guys from my work who did an internship at McKinsey while he was going to Northwestern. I think we still have about seven of them. And they’re all single — weirdly enough.
BRAD
How is Rylan by the way?
PENNY
I’m his plus-one for his parents’ 40th anniversary Zoom sesh on Saturday.
BRAD
So... not good, huh?
PENNY
Shyah!
Dave STANDS, SLAPPING HIS PALMS ON HIS THIGHS.
DAVE
Well, I better get a wiggle on. Going to try to get a prime spot for the tailgating crowd for the Bears game.
JANE
You know they’re not letting fans in, right?
Dave MAKES A FACE and sits back down.
ALEX
Ohhhhhhh! Does that show why it’s good to follow the news?
Max PATS Alex on the head.
MAX
Oh, Al... you should just be like me, and not care.
PENNY
Max, come on, do you really want to deal with four more years of weird creepy guys like… all of them… in charge?
MAX
I dunno. I mean, politics is so dumb — it’s just people yelling at other people yelling.
JANE
So… you mean like sports.
MAX
No, not like sports, Penny! One involves getting a group of skilled people of widely varying backgrounds to buy into working together using their skills to execute elaborate strategies built around long-range planning and inspiring leadership in service of a common goal, even if it seems like all it does is continually reinforce the inequities built into a broken system!
And the other is politics.
PENNY
Max, please stop Sorkin-ing! I swear I will change my Netflix password and confiscate all your DVDs of The West Wing! You sound like the world’s chubbiest casual cocaine user.
MAX
But Pen, I need The West Wing to keep my early-aughts spank-bank account topped up!
DAVE
(being a good ally)
Oh, did you have a crush on Rob Lowe in that series?
MAX
No, Allison Janney! This was when everyone except me —
GROUP, IN UNISON, INCLUDING PENNY
And Penny!
MAX
—and Penny, knew that I was gay. I was still figuring things out so I thought Allison Janney’s deep voice and severe no-nonsense manner would work for me while I was working out my sexual identity. (Wistfully) I guess you could say she was my ‘hedge’ fund.
DAVE
And like every American whose employer was purchased by a hedge fund in the last four years, you wound up with nothing! So I say, go Green Party!
BRAD
(Austin Powers affectation)
I also like to live directionlessly.
PENNY:
I have to run to the bathroom for a sec.
Penny SKIPS down the hallway.
JANE
Sweet, sweet, naive Dave. Do you know what a Green Party member is? A Republican who cycled to work that one time.
MAX
I was just thinking. If Allison Janney had married and divorced former National Hockey League star Craig Janney, then married and divorced former world heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe, and finally found true love with jazz drummer Tom Rainey, would her name be Allison Janney-Janney-Bowe-Rainey?
JANE
No callbacks!
Penny RUSHES BACK into the living room area. She is now wearing a hoodie with Kamala Harris’s portrait on the front and holding a WE’RE NO. 1 foam finger with Joe Biden’s face printed on it.
PENNY
Look guys, we have to make sure it’s a clear win on Tuesday! This is the most important election of our lives! Build back better! Team Joe! Team Kamala! Bidenomics rule! Get all your friends who haven’t voted yet to line up at the polling station bright and early on Tuesday morning. The local Chicago forecast is for a daytime high of a buh-balmy 17 degrees Fahrenheit!
BRAD
Minus-8 Celsius up in Canada! Uh-oh!
In her enthusiasm, Penny MISSES that Jane has MOVED AROUND to the front of the KITCHEN ISLAND, READY TO POUNCE.
PENNY
It’ll be four consecutive years of, Year of Penny! Suck it!
JANE ATTACKS, taking Penny to the floor with a textbook Krav Maga hold. Jane PINS Penny by putting her foot on Penny’s neck and face, then STANDS, WIGGLING her fingers in the “bring it on” gesture. Everyone is too scared and/or stunned to do anything.
MAX
Hey, you said no callbacks, Jane!
ZOOM IN to a tight frame of Penny’s face.
PENNY
(somewhat in shock)
All these sacrifices are gonna pay off come January 20th.
That is more than enough for now. Please stay staff, and stay kind.
One of the great meta jokes in Community is in the 2010 episode “Contemporary American Poultry,” which is an homage-spoof of Mafia movies. In a meeting with Dean Pelton (Jim Nash), Abed Nadir (Danny Pudi) pantomimes stubbing out a cigarette, and says, “Do you know what they’ll never make a replacement for? Friends.”
On the surface, it seems like Abed is quoting from a movie since Abed does that a lot. In actuality, though, the show is sneaking in a comment about market fragmentation — presenting network NBC needed to realize no show would ever bring in as much ratings and ad revenue as Friends. Well-played, Dan Harmon.
If it’s not for you, write your own damn spec script, with blackjack and sympathetic sex workers. In fact, forget the script.
Now nearly 1.137 million, about one-sixth of the global total.