Florida Tkachuks Going Half-Babcocked To Protect This Bouncy Castle | Normswers No. 3
This is fine, as long as we can imagine What Would Norm Say.
When all attempts at positivity fall short, believe in Cope — and lift every spirit by trying to raise that of that old chunk o’coal. After several weeks of leaving texts to his realm “unread,” Norm finally got in touch, explaining apologetically that a whole notebook full of great material is “lost somewhere between the pillows on Harold Delaney’s couch. Although, those might not have been pillows.”
Hey, it has been too long. Am I the only one who noticed that on the same day after Canada’s men’s soccer team recorded a first-ever win at the World Cup that felt like a fever dream, there was a Dream-Fever game in the WNBA featuring Jordin Canada?
First, a bit of advice: when you are getting pelted with enshittification balls, get an enshittification bat. And now, the real-fake sports news.
Well, Brady Tkachuk got his wish — to play on the same line with his brother Matthew on the Florida Panthers? No, to play in a state that has no income tax and hero-worships child rapists!
In exchange for Tkachuk, the Ottawa Senators will get three first-round choices — including two in the upcoming NHL draft — and one second. They were, however, unable to get a rostered player in return. Did they even try to tempt Florida by offering them U.S. Ambassador to Canada Pete Hoekstra?
Of course, here’s where terminally online hockey fans will point out that a hockey team in Canada’s capital of Od-a-wah cannot trade an ambassador. Hey! If you think rules actually apply to anything, Canada and Michigan have an international bridge they would like to open sometime this summer.
The timing of the trade is awkward. Typically, NHL teams have interviewed potential draft choices by now. But now Canadian teams such as the Senators might want to make a couple more phone calls making a final decision to draft a U.S. player?
On Monday morning in the U.S., a Maryland federal court shot down a Department of Justice lawsuit to gain access to state voter data. Some fear this is part of a White House strategy to tamper with November midterms where Democrats are favoured. Those are administered by states because something-something states’ rights. That makes the Trump DOJ 0-for-9 in such cases. Two more such failures and they can bat third for the New York Mets.
Also on Monday, Keir Starmer resigned as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. What, you mean doing everything that centrist U.S. political commentators told him to do was a losing play?!
Hey, I have a question. If Starmer is no longer PM, who will welcome the England team to 10 Downing Street when Football Comes Home?
Argentina star Lionel Messi scored a hat trick last week, adding fuel to the fire for takes that he is the greatest player in the history of soccer. However, fans of the classics note he scored all of his goals with his feet. Call me when scores one with his hand whilst possibly high on cocaine, like Diego Maradona.
Getting back to hockey, the NHL reminded everyone of an eternal rule: never interrupt the Edmonton Oilers when they are in the middle of making a mistake.
The league decided “there is no current basis to restrict” Mike Babcock from working in the league, three years after he was forced away from the Columbus Blue Jackets before even coaching a game. They went on to say they “completed (a) review of Mr. Babock’s tenure.” In other words, he was barely in Columbus long enough to get half-Babcocked! And if he did great harm to the Blue Jackets, how would anyone tell?
Of course, this overshadowed the Carolina Hurricanes — Taylor Hall! Nikolaj Ehlers! Mark Jankowski! Jalen Chatfield! K’Andre Miller! Brandon Bussi! — winning their second Stanley Cup in team history. (AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND YELLS.)
Got some Hartford Whalers fans here today, I see. Carolina defeated the Vegas Golden Knights four games to two.
The turning point in the series might have, however, been Vegas star forward Mitch Marner’s four-point period in Game 3. It triggered the Hurricanes’ goalie switch that led the Vegas Golden Knights to stop scoring. Toronto Maple Leafs fans were heard to remark, “YOU SEE? MITCH DOESN’T KNOW WHEN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A FOUR-POINT PERIOD IN THE PLAYOFFS!”
Hurricanes captain Jared Staal became the oldest and most thoroughly hetero player to win the Conn Smythe Trophy. He should take pride in that.
Some of those previous winners were some of the most decadent fellows around! Why, in 1987, Ron Hextall won the Conn Smythe even though he was swinging his stick every which way!
I haven’t watched much of the World Cup because it takes away time from my hobbies. Like, so many hobbies. However, I did notice that Toronto had a flood of German fans for Die Mannschaft’s match against Côte d'Ivoire last Saturday. Obviously, many of the German fans were more interested in checking out the art school.
A Boo-Soaked Ford Fest
Last week, Ontario Premier Doug Ford, who a reputable pollster says has a 21 per cent approval rating, was heavily booed by demonstrators at his Ford Fest gathering at a Toronto city park in his borough of Etobicoke. Isn’t it a shame when a community barbecue that is a thinly veiled campaign rally gets crashed simply because the person being fêted has done a little social murder?
For the uninitiated, what is Ford Fest? Some haters have called it a branding exercise where a small-minded politician skirts the lines of campaign finance laws for an annual, ‘sell your soul for a Costco hotdog’ rally that feeds the ego of a wannabe political dynasty in Etobicoke, except when it is Vaughan, and local Nazi cosplayers show up to get a picture.
Now, in the defence of Ford, politicians meet with a lot of people. Unless they are representatives of the public sector and teacher unions, trying to negotiate a collective agreement so workers can lead lives with less stress.
Thankfully, at Ford Fest 2026, underpaid and overworked police officers heroically protected that bouncy castle as though it were an algae-filled reflecting pool.
Surly Sedition
In Washington, D.C., “prank projections” are everywhere ahead of the Fourth of July celebrations. According to The New Republic, these projections variously depict defence secretary Pete Hegseth as a crocodile in a swamp, adviser Stephen Miller as a bat hanging from the ceiling of the Lincoln Memorial, Texas Republican Senator Ted Cruz depicted as a sex worker wearing “Trump” underwear, Vice President JD Vance as some kind of worm, and old footage of Trump and together with Jeff Epstein, the financier.
That’s good prankin’. But the best parody has been both parties in Congress.
Over in Alberta, where the separatist movements are totally organic and not a psyop funded by oil companies, the Assembly of Treaty Chiefs voted unanimously to call on the RCMP to investigate Premier Danielle Smith for treason. Said Smith’s spokesperson, “The premier has not committed treason. Once and for all, she is a seditionist.”
Last week, just before National Indigenous Peoples Day, city councillors in Kingston, Ont., voted to change the name of Indian Road to the Ojibway name of Aki Road. Area residents implored their elected leaders not to make the change, with one saying the street name is “part of who we’ve been our whole lives. It’s a place we cherish. It’s home and it seems like it’s being pushed aside.” Damn! If only there were some historical example of this happening to an entire people on a wide scale over hundreds of years.
Comedian Carlos Mencia is facing charges of tax evasion. Hey, Mencia, quit stealin’ my sitcom character’s moves!
And lastly today, or tonight — oh, what’s the difference, I’m dead!! Have a good week, everybody.
Friendly FYI: pièces de #Résistance
I post about current affairs in Notes and on Bluesky (n8sager). Hopefully, this is enough for now. Please stay safe and be kind.
Cha Ghèill, et continue à écrire / fortsätt skriva. Elbows up.
June 14-22, 2026
Hamilton, Ont. : traditional territories of the Erie, Neutral, Huron-Wendat, Haudenosaunee, and Mississaugas.